Friday, April 27, 2012
feelings and how they are as embarrassing as being fat
I hate feeling in front of people. Especially when I feel like I'm being looked at critically or by people who I believe to my betters. I find it embarrassing and terrifying, most when I'm doing something that I have very little confidence in. When it gets too bad, I'll start crying and that's even more awkward and awful because the English don't cry. Like ever. But that ended up happening today. People keep telling me if I lose any more weight, I'll disappear. And that what I do looks really good. That I look comfortable and confident in the air. If they were sitting on that much fat, they'd look comfy too, I think. All of this is made triply worse by a few other factors. I have to eat like a normal person this week and next week because I don't get weekends due to workshops that I really need. Training is extra super hard for these next two weeks too. So I can't actively starve. But I feel like every bite I eat I'm getting faster, even as that horrible need to faint sleeps away as the calories seep in. I'm going to have to do the GM diet again before my mother gets here, but that puts me doing that cleanse in the week before my final HUGE PROJECT gets shown and since I'm basically doing epic cardio for 15 minutes for an audience, I need all my strength to work up for it. But... aaaaarrrrgh. I just need to be thinner. Even thinner. My thighs still touch, even though I'm working so hard to make them smaller. I'm still too fat. I must work harder. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. 100 Jacks, 2 x 1 min plank.