Monday, October 09, 2006

breaking me down to zero

have you ever felt your heart break?

i just want to matter to someone that matters so fucking much to me. i'm sick of being insulted. i'm sick being overlooked, contstantly. i'm told every fucking night in some indirect way that I'm not good enough, I never will be. I don't get a say. He gets a say in what I do on a daily fucking basis, but his life goals overlook me constantly. "i've never found the right talent" he says. what about me? "Everyone is just too flaky and not dedicated at all." hello? not flaky, more than dedicated, talent... more than some fucking fatass that's only been into the hobby for maybe 3months. bullshit. fucking bullshit. this hurts. why can't i ever be good for him. i love him. he says he loves me. is he just that oblivious? does he know that what he says breaks my heart? when i try to explain it, he just flips and says that i'm MAD at him for no reason. I'm not mad. I just want him to fucking notice me. he says it's always about my EGO, but it's not. it's about his fucking actions and the bullshit that he gets away with because he's fucking god in the eyes everyone he meets. this hurts.

oh well. i'm not hungry. maybe i won't be tomorrow either.

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