i did it

i broke up with him. and now i want him back so badly. i threw away something that could have been saved. it's over. i fail. he won't take my calls. i just want him to come see me. we haven't seen each other for so long. i want to start over. a new place, no restrictions, all my classes done. i want him back. i want that love back. dammit dammit dammit. this hurts. i want to sleep forever, but i can't. i can't sleep at all. i can hardly breathe sometimes. i don't get it. this was my decision. it wasn't supposed to hurt. i was supposed to feel free, but now it's like i did for all the wrong reasons. at least it's been really hard to eat. i'm definitely under 1000 calories today. i want to quit feeling. i want to be able to sit down and put my feelings away and just work and pack until i'm done. then let the grief fucking fall down like rain. i want him to not hurt. i want him to be happy. and i want him back.