so fat

ugh. i wish i could purge so badly right now. i'm disgusting.

ankle weights

my bike had a flat today, so i'm committed to wearing my ankle weights instead.

it's so cold in my house right now, and i know it's good for burning calories, but i'm fucking uncomfortable. i find myself cooking just to be warmer. it's all healthy, sure, but it's still food and that makes me fat. i took a citrimax and a fat burner pill so hopefully i'll find myself rather unable to eat if i want to soon.

i'm trying to figure out to wear my ankle weights while going out tonight. it would mean that i couldn't wear a skirt. iw ould need to hide them in pants. i could just wear really heavy and unwieldy boots, but then i couldn't dance. or i could just make tomorrow a liquids day as punishment, but those days are so hard. the self-hatred kicks in extra on those days, where i feel even worse for still feeling the hung pains and for being less able to embrace that wonderful feeling of emptiness. i want to thin again so badly... i wish i could purge. but my body won't let me. i physically cannot make myself wretch. ever since i quit doing junk, i just can't make anything come up. good for the dentist. bad for my lardass. sigh.

i want my clothes to fit again. every day i look at my closet full of my skinny clothes and die a little more inside. i know the disorder kills me too, but i want to be in the thrall of it again so badly. i feel like i'm too stupid and fat to relapse hard enough to make a difference. i have to be at least ten pounds less in by thanksgiving. i know i can do it. i want my bones to show and to be complimented and desired again. i guess i really need to learn to like the cold.

pennance post

oh god. i feel so disgusting. i was so good, all day long. i ate virtually nothing but fish and alcohol. and i got exercise. just not enough. and then i went out with a friend for cocktails. i was hungry, like shaking/nauseated hungry, so i ordered my second helping of calamari for the day and *so much self loathing* an avocado daquiri. it was so good, but it had cream in. the next cocktail sounded too good not to try, but it had cream too. i wish wish wish i could purge, but since i quit being a junkie, i can't make myself throw up to save my life. i think my insides already forced most of the sin out of me via below the duadenum distress. but still. ugh. wrong. once i feel slightly less nauseated, i'm going for a long long bike ride (read: in a few hours if i don't fall into a food coma first).

thus, a thinspo post to make me feel even worse and restrict really hard tomorrow and work extra at the gym. definitely upping the diet pill dose for tomorrow too. cuz damn, just no. ew. no wonder i'm so disgusting.