Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the chubs... now with more broken

at 22, i feel washed up. this blows. the guy i'm heartsick for is dating someone else. people less talented and less attractive than myself are getting more gigs for more money when i am far better. my back is fucked up and it hurts to breath when i use my arms. my arms a fucked up and it hurts to use them. typing this is pain. since i can't train until the broken parts work again, i lose. i am going down to 500 cal restriction if i can't get through a gym day tomorrow. if i can't burn calories, i will starve harder. my muscles will burn and my stomach will tie itself more than once a day and i can't care because i hate this body and i want to starve my pathetic self to death. i want control. i want to feel empty. i miss it. i miss being light. i miss being truly thin, so much so that people notice, so thin than other disordered girls start to eye me like i've really achieved something. i want it back. i hate this. think thin for me lovelies.

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