feelings and how they are as embarrassing as being fat

I hate feeling in front of people. Especially when I feel like I'm being looked at critically or by people who I believe to my betters. I find it embarrassing and terrifying, most when I'm doing something that I have very little confidence in. When it gets too bad, I'll start crying and that's even more awkward and awful because the English don't cry. Like ever. But that ended up happening today. People keep telling me if I lose any more weight, I'll disappear. And that what I do looks really good. That I look comfortable and confident in the air. If they were sitting on that much fat, they'd look comfy too, I think. All of this is made triply worse by a few other factors. I have to eat like a normal person this week and next week because I don't get weekends due to workshops that I really need. Training is extra super hard for these next two weeks too. So I can't actively starve. But I feel like every bite I eat I'm getting faster, even as that horrible need to faint sleeps away as the calories seep in. I'm going to have to do the GM diet again before my mother gets here, but that puts me doing that cleanse in the week before my final HUGE PROJECT gets shown and since I'm basically doing epic cardio for 15 minutes for an audience, I need all my strength to work up for it. But... aaaaarrrrgh. I just need to be thinner. Even thinner. My thighs still touch, even though I'm working so hard to make them smaller. I'm still too fat. I must work harder. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. 100 Jacks, 2 x 1 min plank.

My scale must be broken....

... because it said 116.8 this morning! I've got two more days of diet left as well. I might see 115 in the next few days. I haven't been this thin in years! Sooo excited that I'm going to get dressed and go for a run. Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! 50 situps, 50 squats, 25 pushups, 1 min plank.... go!

gm diet take 2: veg and fruit day

So when you the "Healthy is the New Skinny" image in there with my thinspo, remember the irony of that pic. She's fucking skinny. Toned as hell, but not enough body fat to bleed regularly. She isn't healthy and lighting and photoshop probably did about as much work on her body and she does in the weight room.

Moving on. Doing the GM diet again this week. I'm not cheating nearly as much as I did last time, but I'm not sure that I'm losing any weight. I just feel tired all the time, but maybe that's my period. Tomorrow is banana day. I'm thrilled.

The boy is gone and I miss him terribly. I had a really sad and cruel dream where my dead lover was actually alive and picked me up in his car and we drove around my old neighborhood for a while. My final piece of work for school is all about starvation and grief and fighting off one and through the other.

Everything hurts, but such is the nature of my work and my life. I paid for this and I'm getting what I paid for whether I really want to or not. So every muscle is sore, my back hurts, my hands cane every time I climb or hold a bar. Perfect really. If I just keep working hard enough, I'll have control again and I'll be beautiful and thin by the time the boy comes home.

Stay strong and thin lovelies. 100 jacks, 10 burpees, and 1 minute plank....go!

freedom... tastes like fizzy water

So.. we are back after what feels like forever. The boy ended up moving in for a while after a job snafu left him kinda stranded. Before that, one of my trainers told me I wasn't allowed to restrict for the last two weeks of this piece I was making with him. I have no idea what I weigh and I'm not even going to look until I've done this week of restriction and then the GM diet the week after.

I had a two week break from school in the midst the boy being here (so i have to try to eat like a normal person), so I was eating tons of awful bread and cheese all the while being on mandatory rest. A whole six days of mandatory rest. Well, one of those days involved a 7.5 hour hike through the hills, but still, there was food involved in that too. I had meant to get back to training for at least 5 of my remaining days, but that fell flat when I caught a lingeringly evil cold.

The boy is away at work for the next month and half. I have all that time to get back to where I was, which was getting so good. The heartbreak of being without my lover will also probably be useful in keeping the eating thing to a minimum. My calorie counting is going to lose track on thursday when I'm off a camping trip, but I'll just replace food with booze for that and it will balance out anyway. Then I come back to the GM diet anyway.

It's funny, or sad... really; once his hand left mine, Ana stepped right in a put her arm around me. She whispered in my ear "Are you sure want to eat today?" And as usual, I'm never sure.

I have to eat enough to get this last project done, to keep my energy up for the hardest work I've ever done. But when I present this final piece, I will be goddamn thin. 115lbs if I can hack it.

Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. 50 squats, 60 situps, and 100 jacks.... GO!