fat and sad

i think my boy is mad at me. well, more like sad at me. that's how he really digs in. he gets sad, disappointed, hurt. i want him to be happy and secure in the fact that i am not the same kind of skank he's been with in the past. but no, the last one really fucked him up in the head. that sucks. a lot. i want to be trusted, though, due to things aside from infidelity, i'm working on earning that back.

125.2 lb a few days ago. i've been restricting hardcore for the past two days, so i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow and hope for a change. i've been taking this detox regimen called puranol. it's suppose to "jumpstart weightloss" by expelling all kinds of toxins. i take 3 pills 2x per day for 5 days. i have two more days. i hope this does something. i can't deal with how huge i'm getting. it doesn't seem to stop. tomorrow morning is for early morning gym, hopefully anyway. there is no counting on just how late i'll stay up tonight freaking out about how to make the boy happy.

failure as usual

my stomach hurts. it burns, really is more like it. i think my diet tea hurt me today. my guts are only protesting with the burning sensation. no other irregularities. wtf!

i've made up my mind. a scale is necessary. the next change i get, i'm getting one. i'm doing better though. still under 1400 for the day, i think. no beer either.

.5 grapefruit
1.5 cup brown rice w/ salsa and vegan sour cream
1.5 cup tube noodles with olives, 3 spoonfuls of parmesian cheese, and nutritional yeast
1 cup leftover mac'n'cheese, rice noodle, fat free milk, gluten free cheese
1 60 cal yogurt
1.75 cookies

my nose has started bleeding again lately. i don't like that. i hope i don't have an iron deficiency. tomorrow is for trying harder. i have lost weight again though. i might even be around 125 again (god that's such a gross fucking number i can't stand it.) ew ew ew. i am so fucking hideous. i just want to be pretty. the burning in my stomach seems to be accompanied by bloating. my hipbones have retreated once again. the fatass photoshoot last night was so rewarding. i doubt it will be so generous tonight. maybe it will be better in the morning.

oh god.

i hurt. this is killing me. this blog is dangerous. but i feel like i need it. i need to place to tear out the hunger pains and put them out there for others that are so happy to be so sick, just like me.

better today

ugh, diet mate is making my insides wibbly, but that's a good thing. my hipbones looked way better today in the gym. i got to run and then do cardio class. this is good. i've gotten more control back. now i just need to control my friends. i had about a quarter cup of full fat ice cream with a caramel wafer today during lunch. that's gross. but they wouldn't leave me alone until i contributed to its consumption.

other than that, i've been drink 2L of water a day again. that's helped immensely. once i'm off my period, the situation should start looking even better. phew. i did a day long fast on saturday (1amSaturday-2:30amSunday). it feels so good to be empty, to know that feeling again. so now i know to strive for that feeling and reward it with mate and water and diet coke and negative calories. i leave town so soon. school hurts me it's going to be over. i just have to work hard. it's a great distraction from turning into a fucking sow however.

breaking me down to zero

have you ever felt your heart break?

i just want to matter to someone that matters so fucking much to me. i'm sick of being insulted. i'm sick being overlooked, contstantly. i'm told every fucking night in some indirect way that I'm not good enough, I never will be. I don't get a say. He gets a say in what I do on a daily fucking basis, but his life goals overlook me constantly. "i've never found the right talent" he says. what about me? "Everyone is just too flaky and not dedicated at all." hello? not flaky, more than dedicated, talent... more than some fucking fatass that's only been into the hobby for maybe 3months. bullshit. fucking bullshit. this hurts. why can't i ever be good for him. i love him. he says he loves me. is he just that oblivious? does he know that what he says breaks my heart? when i try to explain it, he just flips and says that i'm MAD at him for no reason. I'm not mad. I just want him to fucking notice me. he says it's always about my EGO, but it's not. it's about his fucking actions and the bullshit that he gets away with because he's fucking god in the eyes everyone he meets. this hurts.

oh well. i'm not hungry. maybe i won't be tomorrow either.

gross

i weighed in on the gym scale today. thank god it's notoriously five pounds off. ew. ew. i want to die. 127.5lbs. i know some of that is muscle because all of my 120lbs clothing still fits. but ew! i want to die. 2L of water/day minimum starts again tomorrow. i can't stand this. i have a vacation next fucking weekend to shape up for. i think i'll fast for the weekend. 800 calories for all of friday/saturday/sunday? i can do that. i hope.