wow... 15 of you follow this now

Thanks for following me. It's really rewarding to know that I've got eyes on me, keeping me accountable.

On saturday of last week, the size 4 L.A.M.B. pants fit flawlessly. today, my collarbone was much more visible. so here's a summary of my day.

breakfast: 100 cal scoop of protein mix with water + 2 Ripped Fuel
went to the gym for yoga (1hr), did a stomach set (140 situps w/ 140 seconds of ab hold), 2 pull-ups, and ran a mile.

lunch: handful of dried fruit. 1 rice cake w/ 1/2 tbsp sunflowerseed butter and guava jam.
cleaned entire house (vigorous scrubbing, running up and down stairs, heavy lifting, etc.)

FAIL OF THE DAY: 1 slice of carrot cake (but it was at max 1/2 inch thick at the wide end, so not terrible), 1/2 scoop vanilla ice cream. i have this rule about free food, where it's okay to have a bit since i didn't pay for it. food that costs money obviously has more calories, and i had to cover for myself. the whole losing mass amounts of size and turning down free cake looks bad to people who know me.

Pennance: two hours of intense practice.

Dinner (yes, even after the cake): 1 120 cal torilla (steamed). 3 romaine leaves, chopped. 1/2 tbsp salsa. 1 forkful of vegan sour cream.

before i go to sleep, i will do 100 more situps.

love to my skinnies. stay strong, think thin.

tubs...chubs... guh.

feel huge and fat and gross. have to be awake in less than seven hours. shit fuck ass dammit. i just want my body back. i want diet pills that work again. i want to throw away every food item in my house. i want to disappear. i feel like i don't have any friends that really care about me, and how can I when all of this self-loathing about my body fills up my head? i miss having an ana buddy. i really do. someone to call me and tell me that i should drink a glassof ice water and run around the block. ack. gotta sleep. hope some of my fat magically goes away. will work out way harder tomorrow.