Friday, December 02, 2011

nutritionally confused and emotionally fragile

so here I am posting thinspo having consumed my last milk unit and banana of the day. no more for me.

I hate how my brain just starts running in circles. All about love and circus and what did I really come back here for and what did I really leave home for the second time around. Am I a bad person for leaving Boy A behind knowing that I'll probably have to come back, while he was totally happy to give me my freedom with boy B... but even though I came back for school, more of that decision was really about coming back to Boy B and it was a rough summer for the relationship with Boy A and I just don't know if anything's left there... but boy B is engaged to Girl A and that won't ever change and even though he says he loves me, I know it will always be less than her... ugh. This nonsense keeps me from eating too much, let me tell you.

BEFORE YOU COMMENT: Understand that I am in a polyamorous relationship. People who date people who also date other people. We believe that it is possible and maybe even natural to love more than one person at a time, like deeply love them. So if you want to tell me my beliefs are wrong, go for it. But don't go off on the "he's engaged, well then he's a cheating bastard..." etc. rant. I just wanted to lay my crazy out in words.

speaking of my crazy, dammitall.... I want to be so skinny that people talk about me and worry about how skinny I'm getting. If nothing happens after this 7 day cleanse nonsense, or if I lose hella weight, and no one says anything or notices or worries, I might be a little sad. Because then it's not enough. I'm clearly not enough in control if I can't lose weight to the point where some I have sex with notices. I know that's really shallow, but I just want to know that I matter enough for people to worry. And I want to be incredibly thin so that I'm no longer repellant to myself. Ugh. Disordered living is complicated. And selfish. And I hate how that sounds but I wanted to write it down anyway because this is my Pro-Ana blog dammit. If I can't write it here, where it can inspire or at least inform other people who feel like me, then I might as well just have a diary.

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