a horrible day

Today sucks. I'm really lonely. I'm pleasantly hungry, but I want to do nothing but sleep. My body hurts. I have a week off from training. And there's this party... the birthday party of a guy who I really have a crush on. Just found out that he's involved with this other chick that represents pretty much everything he says he doesn't like about certain girls. I'm offended, disgusted. And I'm part of the entertainment so I can't just skip it.

The worst part, that bit that makes me want to disappear, is that she's a little thinner than me. A little bendier than me. Fuck, what I am talking about. In his eyes, I'm sure she's prettier than me too. I want to be thin and beautiful and wanted. I know the boy back home does all this for me (we have an open relationship) but he isn't here and I hate this loneliness. It's crushing. There's no one there to drown out Ana when she's screaming at me to starve to death. There's no one to touch. I guess I just don't deserve it.