Saturday, May 05, 2007

make sure that i'm still awake, okay?

sparks will do that to a person. i didn't get to the gym at all today. but i didn't much that wasn't negative calories. and i did lots of frantic walking around school, and spent many more hours twitching in front of a computer, pounding energy drinks and using my brain to burn calories instead. not so bad. i found a truckload of lovely thinspo last night/this morning. so scroll up and gawk again.

ummm. and now to address a comment that i really appreciate, one which reminded me to give a little context to this blog. it's true, i've lost a total of maybe .5kg in the past year. i was forced into recovery about 2 months from now last year. I had to sit back and wait for the dust to clear, try and let muscle turn into easy to burn fat, and let everyone think i was doing okay. now i'm fighting it all away. i can't stand this any more. every day that my weight stays in the low 120 pound range, i feel terrible. the best weight this year has been 119 pounds, after a day of horrid illness. if i had the time to get that terribly sick, i would only be too happy. but instead, i have too much to do. i'm often unsure of where i find the time to stuff myself the way i was retrained to.

my body has much more control that i want it to. my mind shouts at my hands when they pick up food, but my body quickly took its chance to train itself away from obeying my mind. it sucks. i hate all this fat. if it weren't almost five am, i'd go for a bike ride right now.

1 comment:

J00kst3r said...

You're back! I know it's silly, but I was getting a little worried there. You usually update everyday, so I was kinda shocked to see that you hadn't. :O Thanks for the thinspo as usual. I'm stuck in the 120's too, and just when I think I'm HOURS from breaking out of them, the numbers slide back up. I'd tell you how frustrating it is, but I know you already understand. *hugs* - J00kst3r (fei_yen_kn)