not the best of days

i can't seem to get to class this week. i have to better than this. i was up til five this morning fighting the the last person i want to fight with ever.

i haven't weighed myself for the past couple of days. i'm too afraid. i just know that i have by next friday to lose at least 3 more pounds. he like mes thinner, he'll just never say it that way. every time i lose weight, he says i'm tiny, i'm perfect, that i shouldn't lose more. but then the next time i lose more weight he says the same, never with any concern that this time i might really be too thin. to me there is no such thing as too thin.

here's whole ton of thinspo.

yo-yo me

so i hit 119.4 over the weekend. now i'm holding 120.6. if i just don't eat tomorrow and let my stomach shrink and go back on my fructose water... i can totally get back to that. i can be fine on so little if i just give it a chance. i have to sleep soon cuz class is early. but... *fingers crossed* the scale might be nice tonight. my guts have been all grumbling and i think it's because i ate way too much today.

i miss my b/f too. but... what can you do. i think that's why i ate too much today. i have to be accountable so... here goes the walk of shame.

breakfast: 1 dbl shot light, poppyseed suncake
Lunch: raw veggies and grilled cheese (american) and apple sandwich
later: 287 calorie falafel
Dinner: pad thai out of a box and veggies (raw) and a cadbury cream egg
Later: 1/2 avocado (morally obligated because they're going bad)

if i even weigh the same tomorrow morning, i think i'll be happy. ugh. fat forever. that's me.

happy LENT!! what are you giving up?

so it's lent. that means giving something up and taking something on. how much will it take to guess what I'm giving up? 600 calories/day and cookies. no more.

120.8 today. that has me smiling. maybe i'll skip the whole way to school. nah, my bag will be too heavy. but i have to remember my goals. i have to sober up. the last time i hit 120.8, i binged that very day and shot back up by 3 pounds. i have to try one the 26s again.

now i've been sufficiently humbled... here's some thinspo to really batten down those resolutions.

this feels like starting over

i wonder if trying on the 26 waist jeans would reinforce eating less if i did it every day. i can put them on and even button them, and some would say that i even fit in them... but those people think muffin tops are hot. i don't muffin top too much over the 26s, but just enough to be disgusted and know that i'm fat.

122.4 this morning. far from acceptable. today will have to better. i hope that will be easier than i think it will be. timet to scurry off to school.