Sunday, August 20, 2006

built to fail

1001 for the second day in a row. what the fuck?
why me. my collarbones are looking better though. i think i'll take more pictures tonight and look for progress. most everything i ate today was healthy, some of it even made of negative calories/natural appetite supressants. i love grapefruit products.
i am doomed to a very fat fate. tonight is really boring. i need something to do. somewhere to go. some reason to do something. i guess i could go for a walk. but where to? walking around my block is fucking sketchy. where do i walk to? if i walk another hour, i could break 4000 calories burned again today. that could be a worthwhile endeavor. hmm.
thinspo for tomorrow.
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plan for tomorrow:
go sweat in the heat until i have choreography for two songs w. two different props.
go do that choreography later that night, as well as practice stringing stuff together a newer prop. ack! why is stuff so hard to learn sometimes?
just fucking eat less.
don't buy groceries.
if all i have is rice and cheese, so be it. there's only so much i can stand at a time so i won't eat it.
sigh. i want arms to curl up in. i want someone to stroke my hair and tell me it's all going to be fine and that it doesn't matter how far apart my love and i get, we'll be okay. i want a platonic lap to curl up in. i think that's it really. and, i still can't shake the feeling of wanting to get high. sometimes i can almost feel the needle in my arm. it must be days like this. hot enough to ruin any motivation, but not severe enough to take away the listlessness in surrender to an oscillating fan. days when i'm dressed like a grunge rocker, like i used to be, when i was no stranger to that feeling. i can almost feel the hit. but now i only recall the sick rush that comes with wondering whether this will be the hit that kills me. i know if i actually had it, i would die. it's a strange thing to know really. knowing exactly what i would do, no matter how i tried not to. the hit would go in the spoon, more than i knew i could take, but it would be the same dose that was to be my last. i would be sid vicious. dead. i don't want to be like my old heroes. i don't want to.... i can't think about this any more. fuck.
i'll go for a walk.

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