I am anorexic. Recently relapsed. I want to vent into a network of people that have the same problem. Anorexia has nearly cost me some of the most important things in my world, but I can't stop. The pills, self berration. I can't buy a scale again. Ugh. This so hard. I need this space. I need to rant. I don't know how much I can say. This has to stay anonymous.
I want to disappear. My lowest weight was 100lbs. I'm 65inches tall. Before I tried to recover, I had exploded to a whopping 120lbs. i want to get down to 110. i want my thighs to be strangers to each other. i want, i want....... this to feel safe. to be writing this. help.
same old story
- so_alone
- me. i don't see me, but you do. i want to see me as you do, or as you say you do. you humor me when you say i'm tiny? are you laughing inside when you describe my pitted hulk as skeletal? i want to be happy with me. it's like someone pulled the gauze from my eyes and i see now, how imperfect, how weak, how ugly i am now, and just how perfect i really was when there was so much less of me. The less of me that you can see, the easier it is to love what's left of me. Honestly, I don't step on scales anymore. I can't. I'll go too far over the edge. I measure my world in sizes. I am currently a US size 6-8, UK 10. My ultimate goal size is a 4. I want my good jeans to fit. I want my thigh gap. And I want to be thin.
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