Friday, August 18, 2006

i was doing so well

try try again dammit. i just took a huge dump though, i must be doing something right. fuck. i had fruit all day, a rice krispie treat, some triscuits, and too much halvah. not that bad, really. but then, i fucked it up. grilled cheese sandwich with a ton of other stuff, plus fries and a soda w/ cream and syrup and whipped cream. i didn't purge it. i walked a good deal of it off, but that's not enough.

so tomorrow is for trying again. i have three grapefruit. i will eat 1.5 tomorrow along with my other fruit. that will sustain me until the party next door starts and i drink beer and eat bad food because that's just what happens when i drink. i have to keep up the illusion that i'm not trying to disappear around these people either. so that's the plan. gym tomorrow. practice tomorrow. i got a yoga mat today. the grass won't be too daunting now.

i miss drugs a lot right now. i quit them. most all of them nearly 1.75 years ago. i drink, roll, and fry, and none of those often. diet pills don't work, as previously mentioned. i miss the days when i could eat through my nose and lose five pounds in two days. a rig in my arm would keep me nauseaus and empty all day. i can't think like that though. i want to waste away, not die in an instant. it's been too long for me to go back. it would kill me. and if it didn't, i'd kill me. i refuse to live through all that again. i refuse to put everyone i love through all that again. fuck that. my head hurts a lot. i'm going to go sleep and wake up and try harder. just like ana wants me to.

No comments: