the here, the next

so i'm trying to get back into restricting again. i take a different approach to restricting too. as long i burn twice what i eat in excercise, i'm okay. so i burned 2200 kCal today and i ate about 1100. i feel huge. i went out and restocked my diet pill regimen. now i'm back to retiva, hoodia, l-carnitine, l-glutamine, and psyllium tablets.

tomorrow is for very little food. my plan is to get up for the gym early. i will eat .25 grapfruit for breakfast. i plan a long workout with a lighter run but more arms and abs and stretching. maybe i'll just cut up that grapefruit and eat it through the day. i certainly won't want to eat after that. hmm.

i just feel huge. i tried to recover. i wanted to. i want to. but i can't feel like this. i can't look into the mirror and get choked up anymore. since my 2nd lowest weight before recovery, i've put two inches back on my waist. now i wear a 28. that makes me sick. i miss my ribs. i miss my hipbones. i miss that feeling of victory and worth that comes with a well earned head-rush when i stand up hungry. i want it back. i want me back. i want my skinny clothes again.

i'm sick of people telling me how much better i look. do they really think that mid-meal at a nice restaurant, that they can bust out telling me that "those extra five pounds did wonders for you" and think that i won't go throw up (or try to) everything. do they just not notice that i'm near tears? that i've stopped eating altogether?

so, tomorrow is for grapefruit fast, then likely some healthy dinner. no alcohol. not for a while. i lose a few pounds automatically after swearing off the sauce for a day or two. i don't drink like that though, either. ack. i hate myself. i want this to go away. i want to go away. i want to see the pretty girl that my boyfriend loves in the mirror. maybe i'll fast the first week of school. it's the only chance i'll get where i have little activity and don't need my brain too much for most of the year. gah. stress. fat. pain. sad. take me from this cage of extra flesh.