flabtastic plateau

121.4 again. meh.

121.4

minus .2 pounds from yesterday!!

that's two days of loss. if i don't fuck up today, i could hit my first target weight on time! woohoo!

best thinspo ever!!

i would have never thought to look on youtube!!!


oh the weirdness.

morning weight:
121.6

yayayayayayay!!
i'm closer now. as of today, i only have to 3lbs by the 1st Week in feb!! i can do this. maybe the fructose water thing really did help. wow.

yesterday, today

Yesterday: 122.4 I was very happy. I did a little a dance. It's pathetic to be excited about see that number and knowing that it's fucking LESS than was you weighed last. ugh.

today: 123.4
started my period, drank a ton of water last night. Had a bunch of booze but all negative calories. Today is for as little as I can stand because I slept in instead of going to the gym. If I'm ot going to be terribly active, I can eat way way less. Virtually nothing. so that's the plan. breakfast of fructose water and some lettuce. water water coffee water all the rest of the day.

loads at the gym today

today's intake:
1 doubleshot light
.75 cheese/lettuce/tomato/carmalized onion sandwich (top half of bread removed)
celery/carrot sticks w/ PB and raisins
1.5 cookies
1 15.2 oz carrot juice
1 8oz americano w/ skim milk
peas and sprout salad
lettuce and mustard w/ fake cheese (three leaves, one fake cheese single)
2 cheddar flavor rice cakes

i burned 1300 calories just running.
i started my period today so maybe that's why i'm heavier. i'm all periody and retaining water or something. i feel so huge. the fatass photoshoot is a daunting tradition tonight. i should be asleep now. i have class in the morning. all of me is sore. i can work out as long as i want tomorrow. and i can eat virtually nothing. i don't have to think. i just have to forget to eat.

i think i'm going to give the fructose water weight loss plan another try. supposedly, 6tbsp/L will make you lose weight if you stick with it for a week. you just don't get hungry. i'm all for that. at least today was full of negative calories and lots of excercise. i'm still disgusted with myself though. maybe tomorrow will be better. the weekend can certainly be better. i'll have time to go running and then run at the gym and then workout and practice and... yeah. it'll be great.

124.4

how?!?! this is cause for crying. i have a ton of time to spend at the gym today at least. i lots of water. constantly drinking water. that's what i have to do. must do it. goddammit. i was stronger than this once.

not ready for sleep yet, here's some thinspo

intake, blahs

morning weight: holding steady at a whopping 123 pounds.
my current strategy is making my body empty itself with lots of water, fluids in general, and fiberous veggies. no bread for 3 days now.

breakfast: apple, doubleshot light
lunch: clif bar, 230cal burrito.
snack: mango tango smoothie drink
dinner: too much salad with spinach, lettuce, celery, broccoli, feta, kalamata olives, 2tbsp unknown fat Ranch, bean sprouts, and sweet chile sauce.

four hours later:
peas and green beans (boiled) w/ .5C nonfat cottage cheese, 1 tbsp light sour cream, salsa, sprouts and hot sauce.

i suck. i'll be fat forever. tomorrow i have to go the gym. i hurt too much and felt kinda sick today, but I've got three scheduled hours in the gym, so dammitall, this will be fixed.

fat day fit

i worked so hard today. i had an apple for breakfast, a bowl of carrots, celery, PB, and raisins for lunch, and a salad for dinner. then i came home and ruined all my hard work with a bowl of miso and a clif nectar. i am a fatass. i have go the gym so hard tomorrow. i weighed 123 last time i checked. that's fatter. again. why? even when i'm good, even when I work so fucking hard.. it just never pans out. I need to lose so much weight. Five pounds by feb.1? not gonna happen now. ugh. tomorrow will be easier. more pills, more gum, more cigarettes, more water. i can do it. more caffeine... or something. fuck it. i'm going to sleep.

good morning fatass

hours of sleep: about 5
morning weight: 123
i'm either dehydrated and retaining water, or I really need to poo. I'm thinking the latter. Gross, I know, but who said anorexia was pretty?

today

so in a second attempt to not faint today, I had a romaine heart heap with light sour cream and salsa. spicy salad! later on I tragically munched on some nachos. but still, way under 1000 Cal today!!

tomorrow will give me zero time to eat and I have to get up super early. so i can burn extra calories all day long. i don't get to do anymore of my "running on empty" morning on the way to school now, because my brain needs to be sharp right away instead of the blur that I wake up from a block away from my house.

sleep!

amazing!

i went on an hour and half or so jog, with a with a little walking, and stopped on the way home for some grocery bits (extra calories to burn on the way home... only negative calories in the bag!). I cooked my omlette, but only after cleaning my stove top. I had time to really let my diet pills kick in and by the time my food was done, I was too nauseus from cleaning and waiting too long to eat to really finish it. And thanks to the diet pills, i feel full anyway!

i got dressed too fast this morning and didn't want to have to strip again to get on the scale, so weight update will come after the first day back at school. i will certainly have zero time to eat, but what little I do have to live on, I think might pack there from home. The caf' doesn't have as healthy of items as I would like them to.

kinda redeemed myself

the only food I had the rest of the night consisted of two pieces of toast with a teensy bit of nut butter and sugar free jam. the toast bits added up to one slice of regular bread. then i had a salad of sprouts, lowfat sourcream and salsa. if i go running tomorrow, then I can eat an eggwhite omlette with fake cheese and horseradish for breakfast! depending, of course, on what the scale tells me.

ew... i binged...

first i shared an order of fried/spicy tofu with a friend. then i ate a slice of carrot cake. i'm so disgusted with myself. i need to get so much excercise and then not eat for a while.

stupid bodily weaknesses!

i worked out too hard yesterday. i stayed up too late looking for lost keys. Now today's plans have changed and I'm eating breakfast. 2 tiny blood oranges, an avocado, and teensy bit of nonfat cottage cheese with salsa. Breakfast is the only meal one should eat... right?

fuckwit McFatass

i have to run really hard tomorrow.

real dinner:
1 cup spring greens
1 avocado
.25C goat cheese

it was so good, but now i feel really guilty.

tomorrow, there will be no juice before the gym. Instead, depending on how sore my abs are, I'll go on a long run that does not pass the gym or the offending juice. If my abs aren't sore enough, then I'll practice extra hard too. I am so huge. boo. i'm getting up early so I can run for a while and still have time to show and do makeup before i go back out into the world. wish me luck!

the dinner report

2C sweet peas
1/4C fat free yogurt
3 pieces freeze dried rambutan


calories burned in just exercise: 1335
calories consumed: 484

i can even stand to have another salad later!

thinner than thou

morning weight: 122.8
plus 0.2lbs from yesterday.

i ran from my house to the gym. worked out really hard at the gym, to include running another 6 miles. then I stretched and ran home.

only brief failures have greeted me today. I had a tangerine juice pre-gym, and 1/6 of one slice of a four slice quesadilla. not so bad. i think i'm going to have eat afterall today, but i can shoot for negative calories in 90% of my food today too. all in all, not the worst so far today. i even got up on time... well closer to on time. i got out of bed and stayed out bed as opposed to getting of bed, turning off my alarm, and going back to bed. i win. sort of.

sigh.

for a while, i felt like the thinnest girl at the gym. no one else there could see their ribs through their t-shirt and no one's hipbones stuck out like mine on the incline. then a girl with a 100% better body showed up. but for a while... i was the thinspo icon for all the other girls there.

so fat, but not as fat as i thought

post water consumption this morning, the scale read 122.6.

today, i had a glass of soy milk for breakfast and then went on an hour long run.

lunch: diet pills and a salad with cheese crumbles and red sauce

dinner: seven pieces of sushi

dinner II: peas on top of salad with cheese crumbles and nonfat yogurt and red sauce and salsa.

dessert: 1 clif nectar

drinks: two diet cokes
2 L water
1 screwdriver
1 hard hot chocolate

still under 1000 i think. at least in food. the drink shoot me way over the top. lots of negative cals today too though. not so bad. not so bad.

not bad. but not good enough by long shot. i have too much to do too soon. run to school. buy necessities. go to gym for abs. run home. shower. go out with friends.

i don't think i'm going to eat anything tomorrow. i won't need to.
if i feel really weak after the gym, i can make some more green peas. or drink a latte. i have about three weeks to lose as much weight as i can. at least when school starts, i'll be too tired, too busy, or too stressed to eat. i can take out the stress of studying and sleep deprivation on the eliptical machine instead.

skinny models thinspo:




such good angie pictures!!

back on track

tomorrow starts me back on the regimented eating schedule. i can eat 5/8 of whatever i burn in excercise on any particular day. i am armed with lots of salad and lemon juice and fat free things. this will work. i will be thinner. i will be thinner. i have a new thinspo... i can't say much more. this is motivation beyond logical bounds though. school starts too soon. i just hope i get the time every day to go the gym. otherwise, it's early mornings for me and a jog around the neighborhood. must get up early tomorrow. i am back on track.

today's food:
fried rice (1.5C)
1C grapes
1oz brie
1oz cheddar
.75 huge burrito
1C salad
1/4C fat free cottage cheese
2 veggie pocket thingies with .5C nonfat yogurt

not bad. not good either. i walked home cold. that counts for something.

pretend you're a supermodel

i will be a supermodel tomorrow. water, lemonade, the gym. i have nothing in my way and every reason to be as emaciated as humanly possible. i stayed under 1400 calories today, including booze. i did very little, but i walked a few miles late tonight. tomorrow is the gym and more gym and some running. it might snow. weird.

thinspiration, because I can and will do this dammitall.



























i'm huge. i'm too afraid of the scale. i have to lose weight. so much weight. i can do it. i've done it. i just need to try harder. way way harder. start drinking the agar again, start taking more pills, start taking two tums when i'm hungry, stop fearing the fainting spells, stop fearing the consequences. i want ana to take me back. i'm just not ready to pay the cost. i'll lose the love of my life if i let ana take me all the way back. sad.