Monday, April 23, 2007

123.2 and some ranting






fuck you! you did this! you went away! you fucking left me here! you fucking took me back anyway! don't you fucking dare blame it on me when this falls apart. this fucking hurts me. like i'll be able to sleep now. what the fuck? why do i still think that this is the most i fucking deserve?!

i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of him telling me that this is my fault. i'm sick his telling me that i "embarass" him even when there's no one around. he enver said this to me when i was thin. fuck him. "what, do you just stop eating or something before you see me?" you know what? yes. fucking yes i do. of course i do. i hate it when you tell me you like my weight... now. it's healthy? fuck you. you used to date a fucking model! i know you think i'm fucking fat.

i hate today. i want to go SISH so fucking badly, but i'm just drinking a beer and smoking cigarette after cigarette instead. i ate dinner, and it's too late to purge. i think i might need to go on a bike ride or something. to calm the fuck down. i'm so angry. so confused. why quit just days before you see me again? what the fucking fuck are you thinking? fuck you. fuck you. i am better than this.

later: i chose this. i could have been single when he left. i wanted this more. i brainwashed him. this is my fault. i am fat. humbled again by my own stupdity. a good brisk jaunt around the block set me straight.

1 comment:

Fei_Yen_Kn said...

*sending love* I've been losing weight for someone too. I know he didn't ask me, and I'm sure he hasn't noticed, nor would he praise me if I did---but it's such a strong motivator for me. Pretending to do it for someone else to give myself an excuse to do this. It's so much better to feel good for YOURSELF, and not because you feel it's expected, or that you're being held to a certain standard. It's something I personally need to work on, and I hope you'll also be satisfied with yourself FOR yourself. *hugs*