Friday, April 06, 2007

curl up and die

i want to curl up and die. i'm so sad. tomorrow won't even make it any better because i have to stand on that goddamn scale. my boy and i had a really shitty fight and my face is still wet with tears. i hate feeling like this. it's always my fault somehow. it's always me ignoring his issues in light of my own. if he would ever fucking tell me about his problems this wouldn't happen. instead, he just gets made and hangs up. this is so fucking stupid. i'm sick of it.

so my dare worked out at least. i stayed under 1000 calories and wrote every bite down on glossy Vogue thinspo pages. tomorrow will be for much less eating anyway, but i have to wear substantially less than i would like also. i'm too upset to go to sleep and i have to get up... soon. i have to think for two hours in the morning and then.... i'm going to forget. no food. lots of water. and get awesomely drunk. i will lounge in the sun and let my ribs and hipbones bleach. later, i will burn calories while shopping and then more calories when we go out dancing. i have to look good and i know that i won't. i'm too fucking huge. i feel like a fucking teenager. this is so dumb. i want this to stop. i want everything to stop. i want everything to be okay. i want him to call me back and say that he's sorry for yelling and for him to elaborate on what exactly i've been forcing him to hold back. i'm so sick of this. at least i'm not hungry.

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