Saturday, April 21, 2007

six or nineteen

i have either six or nineteen days until i had better weigh under 120 again.

today was a total bust. i had to eat before i got wasted. i had to eat to sober up.

the sins:
2 sugar free milanos
1 slice of lowfat cheese
1 large green olive
1 carrot with nut butter
1C vietnamese roasted yam salad w/ 1/3 of one slice of foccacia
5 potato chips
2 cups popcorn (airpopped)
1 clementine orange
2 regular cookies (sugar)
6 edamame shumai

i am so fat. so worthless. i deserve to be even fatter.
all i did was walk today... too sore for the gym. i was weak, pathetically so.
i had a bad day. life sucks.

1 comment:

Fei_Yen_Kn said...

:( *hugs* You are not worthless. You're doing better than I am, at any rate. I'm still stuck at 127, and being that I'm only 5'4"...that's just harsh. I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up, but unfortunately I know how you feel.

Restricting just makes things hard, you know? On top of weakness there're the cravings, and EVERYTHING you eat makes you feel like a failure no matter HOW insignificant it was calorie wise. But you're not a failure, you're just exhausted and righfully so.

I wish I could tell you to take a break, but I know it's impossible. I've tried, and there's no such thing as a "break" from an eating disorder. :\ I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm still listening, and that I understood, even if I can't be much help.