Friday, April 20, 2007

again... the best laid plans

1299 calories eaten
4586 burned

i had a cheese sandwich. and a cookie. and vegetarian chinese/vietnamese. and then guacamole.

sure i ran hard. sure i've had four liters of water today. but that won't fucking matter in the morning dammit!

i feel so disgusted. i feel like such a failure. how did i do this? tomorrow is certainly for no food at all. just water, energy drinks, and alcohol. maybe some shopping but that isn't food either. i have 7 days to at least wake up to 120 again. then saturday holds no necessities for food either. tomorrow, i have little to do until later on, so i can go the gym at around 1pm and stay there until i'm "done". then i can go home and not eat anything. then i can run up to walgreens for the best energy drink ever and take care of shopping needs.

it will all work out in my favor. i just need to try harder. right now i feel like shoving a fucking finger down my throat, but i know it's too late. nothing will fix this except more water and days more of hard hard work. and so much thinspo. i need to use my phone more often. that photo should have more power over me than it does.

i hate this feeling of powerlessness. i want my control back. i want to not be hungry. the calorie counter keeps running in my head. the panic attack still spreads with every bite, but it just doesn't stop me anymore. i want this to stop. i need to be less. i'm sick of being a size four cow. ugh. i looked so good at the gym and now i've fucking inflated beyond reason.

i've been reading two blogs by the most beautiful girl in the world. her bmi has been under 16 for years. i want that kind of control. i want ANA to be that fucking dedicated to killing me. i miss it. i miss my heart skipping. i miss crying and hunger pains and fainting every morning. i want it back.

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