Monday, April 09, 2007

i should be sleeping... as usual

so here i am, wide awake again. no real reason, just trying to stay out the kitchen. i am equipped to become less this week. it must happen. i will take all mof my diet pills, drink 3L of water at least every day, and live on energy drinks and soup. i know i can do this. i have to wear very little clothing on friday dammit. i need to be less. i know how fast i can drop weight. i could be 120 by friday if i really worked at it. 18 days to be so much less. i think i might extend my deadline for the 10lb loss. I will be ten pounds less by my 21st birthday. Next month and 1 day. i just want to scream right now. lemme rattle off the food i had today. it needs to be quantified.

3L water
1C granola chunks
1.5c miso/squash soup
3/4 biscuit
2 diet cokes
1 vitamin water
2C brown rice w/ veggies
1/2 cinna-raisen bagel
1 bag doritos... purged
1 lemon water (16oz)

all i all that isn't so bad. i think. but then again, i don't know where my thinking is going wrong. i shouldn't have had the biscuit or the chips, or for that matter, the bagel. shit. i suck at this. i have to be less. i can't keep gaining like this. when shit like this happens, i freak out. fall back in SISH bullshit. I'm 20. i can't have those scars now. it means much more than a trip to a counsellor. it means more rehab, no more college. i cannot ever go back to inpatient. i'll die there.

1 comment:

Fei_Yen_Kn said...

Augh, I know how you feel! I can allow myself a handful of saltines and STILL feel like I've screwed up. I'm subtracting more and more from my diet. I know logically that I could never live on water alone, but still. I just hate the feeling of being "bad" all the time.