bitter bitter

soon, i have a test. maybe it was the only four hours of sleep. maybe it was the booze last night. maybe i'm really just a fatass.

weight #1: 124.6 numbers that make me hurt.
weight #2: after shower; 125.6. what the fuck?! i'm so mad. i have to eat breakfast today too so that i can think well in the only class today that requires it. after that, i'm going to back to sleep. then i'm going to more class, then dance, and the gym and then the mall. not at all shall food touch my lips. from this moment on.

help ana.

NV, 123.2

so today is day two of taking NV and so far, it has offered amazing punishment to my guts. it's nice. actually today.

today's food might sound like a lot, but i did a whole fuckload of work today too.


breakfast: 1 half vegan bagel
later: 1C thai noodle soup (vegan), .5 biscuit
later: 1 C salad, 3 cubes tofu, 6 slices cucumber, 1 tbsp ranch, sweet chile sauce and tapatillo (mostly neg. cals)
later: 1 cookie
later: 1C vegan cabbage-slaw, 1 piece tofish (vegan)
later: 5 cheese/broccoli veggie bites

excercise:
bike to school (light books)
walk around campus all day ( 4hours just walking from place to place)
5-7pm at gym, some dancing, 1hr 5min running, 20 min abs/arms
bike home (heavy books)

sorry loves, no time for thinspo photos tonight. just my reverse-trigger of a blog. must be up and active in less than six hours.

123.2 and some ranting

fuck you! you did this! you went away! you fucking left me here! you fucking took me back anyway! don't you fucking dare blame it on me when this falls apart. this fucking hurts me. like i'll be able to sleep now. what the fuck? why do i still think that this is the most i fucking deserve?!

i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of him telling me that this is my fault. i'm sick his telling me that i "embarass" him even when there's no one around. he enver said this to me when i was thin. fuck him. "what, do you just stop eating or something before you see me?" you know what? yes. fucking yes i do. of course i do. i hate it when you tell me you like my weight... now. it's healthy? fuck you. you used to date a fucking model! i know you think i'm fucking fat.

i hate today. i want to go SISH so fucking badly, but i'm just drinking a beer and smoking cigarette after cigarette instead. i ate dinner, and it's too late to purge. i think i might need to go on a bike ride or something. to calm the fuck down. i'm so angry. so confused. why quit just days before you see me again? what the fucking fuck are you thinking? fuck you. fuck you. i am better than this.

later: i chose this. i could have been single when he left. i wanted this more. i brainwashed him. this is my fault. i am fat. humbled again by my own stupdity. a good brisk jaunt around the block set me straight.

124.6... i'm gonna start bleeding the weight off

not really. i don't know what to do though. i wish i had like some prescription diet pills or something because the rest of my plan just isn't working. dammit. i'll get totally reverse triggered soon though. i'm going shopping.

six or nineteen

i have either six or nineteen days until i had better weigh under 120 again.

today was a total bust. i had to eat before i got wasted. i had to eat to sober up.

the sins:
2 sugar free milanos
1 slice of lowfat cheese
1 large green olive
1 carrot with nut butter
1C vietnamese roasted yam salad w/ 1/3 of one slice of foccacia
5 potato chips
2 cups popcorn (airpopped)
1 clementine orange
2 regular cookies (sugar)
6 edamame shumai


i am so fat. so worthless. i deserve to be even fatter.
all i did was walk today... too sore for the gym. i was weak, pathetically so.
i had a bad day. life sucks.

real tears

124.6. i have seven days to lose 4.6 pounds. that's all i goddamn want. this sucks. i had a diet coke for breakfast. i'm cabbing to school and then i'm going to the gym. hard. i've got energy drinks and if i really need to, i can have to liquids today with calories. but fucking nothing else. same for tomorrow and the next day. and even monday. just not tuesday. i have to eat something then. but not wednesday. not thursday. if i can effectivley hide it, i won't even need to eat on friday. certainly not saturday. sunday i'm pretty screwed for. but yes. there's all of next week. just fine, foodless. i need this so fucking badly. if this doesn't get better, i'll just fall back into pathetic SISH habits again and start purging again and and and and and dammit!

fuck it. don't think about. just go to school. and then the gym. and run whatever other errands there are. it's okay. it's okay it's okay. ANA TAKE ME BACK!!!

again... the best laid plans

1299 calories eaten
4586 burned

i had a cheese sandwich. and a cookie. and vegetarian chinese/vietnamese. and then guacamole.

sure i ran hard. sure i've had four liters of water today. but that won't fucking matter in the morning dammit!

i feel so disgusted. i feel like such a failure. how did i do this? tomorrow is certainly for no food at all. just water, energy drinks, and alcohol. maybe some shopping but that isn't food either. i have 7 days to at least wake up to 120 again. then saturday holds no necessities for food either. tomorrow, i have little to do until later on, so i can go the gym at around 1pm and stay there until i'm "done". then i can go home and not eat anything. then i can run up to walgreens for the best energy drink ever and take care of shopping needs.

it will all work out in my favor. i just need to try harder. right now i feel like shoving a fucking finger down my throat, but i know it's too late. nothing will fix this except more water and days more of hard hard work. and so much thinspo. i need to use my phone more often. that photo should have more power over me than it does.

i hate this feeling of powerlessness. i want my control back. i want to not be hungry. the calorie counter keeps running in my head. the panic attack still spreads with every bite, but it just doesn't stop me anymore. i want this to stop. i need to be less. i'm sick of being a size four cow. ugh. i looked so good at the gym and now i've fucking inflated beyond reason.

i've been reading two blogs by the most beautiful girl in the world. her bmi has been under 16 for years. i want that kind of control. i want ANA to be that fucking dedicated to killing me. i miss it. i miss my heart skipping. i miss crying and hunger pains and fainting every morning. i want it back.

i feel obese

and i just uploaded the most awesome photo as my background on my phone. every time i check the time, i will know that it is not time to eat. brilliant! i love technology. even if fighting with it leads to me to consume two sugar free mint milano cookies. ew ew ew. at least they taste like diet flavor.

diet coke is the new candy bar

total calories eaten: 902 (102 calories over my budget)
what does that mean for tomorrow...that's 102 calories that i don't get to eat.

i burned over 3500 today though... so i guess it's not so bad.